From the Authors (who wish to remain anonymous):

Before you get into this, we, the authors, would first like to clarify a few things. The first and most important thing is that this work is parody and should be viewed in that light only. We had a great time writing this and hope that you will have as good a time reading it. Despite the fact that we take some very nasty shots at all of the characters involved, we are both big fans of their music. If it had not been for that music, we probably never would have met. We are though, tired of the now decade plus of bickering that the two camps have taken part in and it is from that frustration that this piece was born. We do not imply that any of these events actually took place. This is just a satirical fictionalization of our take on the Floyd wars of the eighties and nineties. We found ourselves on opposite sides of the fence when the disagreements began. We feel that gives this work a certain balance. No side is treated any more kindly than the other. The only apology we make is to Tim Rice whose masterpiece we have so viciously torn to pieces. Sorry Tim, but it had to be done and your piece was the perfect vehicle.

We have one technical note that we would like to make. Throughout the years, many different variations on Jesus Christ Superstar have been made available to the public. Which one is the best has been the subject of as many debates as the "which one's pink" debate. If you wish to follow along with Jesus Christ Superstar while you read this, it should be noted that this parody is based upon the original 1970 London recording originally made available on Decca records in the USA which featured Ian Gillan in the role of Jesus. We have included though, parodies of two songs ("Then We'll Be Decided" and "Could We Start Again Please") which were not on the original but were featured on later versions such as the movie soundtrack.

Without further delay, we present:

Grandeur On Their Minds

(Nick, pacing his estate, contemplates the future of Pink Floyd, with or without Roger.)

Nick

Your head is bigger now
At last, all too well, I can see
Where our band soon will be
If you strip away the dick from the band
You will see where our band soon will be
ROGER!!!!
You've started to believe the things you've said of you
You really do believe that what God wants is you
And all the words you've sung will soon get swiped away
You've begun to matter less than the things you play

Listen Roger I don't like what I see
All I ask is that you listen to me
And remember, I've been your architect mate all along
You have stimulated ire
With your stupid male voice choir
And your bogus wordy bloated songs

I remember when this whole thing began
No talk of Rog, then we called Syd our man
And believe me, I thought that you should have led after Syd fried
But every word you write today
Is earning you less take home pay
And the executives believe you've died

Roger Cambridge famous son
Should have stayed a great unknown
Like his father buried deep
We'd hear not a peep
Buildings flats and abattoirs
Would have paid for Roger's cars
He'd have driven no one mad, wrote nothing bad

Listen Roger do you want to save face?
Your solo albums are as pleasant as mace
We are petrified that you will follow up The Pros and Cons (shoop shoop shoop)
With another piece of junk
Filled with your pretentious bunk
And there's no one left to play guitar

Listen Roger it's your own grave you dig
Dave and I have run off with your pig
And it's sad that your depression is deepening with every glower
Your few followers are blind
Too much grandeur on their minds
It was your band once but now it's ours

What the Fuck???

(Fans pester Roger for something. Anything.)

Reg heads

What the fuck, tell me what's a happening, what the fuck, tell me what's a happening
What the fuck, tell me what's a happening, what the fuck, tell me what's a happening

Roger

Why should you want the Floyd?
Don't you know it was my music?
Better than the Grateful Dead
Everything I do is brilliant
That's why I've got this big swelled head

Reg heads

What the fuck, tell me what's a happening, what the fuck, tell me what's a happening
What the fuck, tell me what's a happening, what the fuck, tell me what's a happening

Roger

I could give you a new album
I could tell you future projects
Even tell you when I'm touring

Reg heads

Where's the pig, who's got the custody, where's the pig, who's got the custody
Where's the pig, who's got the custody, where's the pig, who's got the custody

Roger

Why should you want to know?
Why are you obsessed with stage props?
Crashing planes and pigs that fly
Even if I could afford them
They're on the road with that fat guy

Reg heads

What the fuck, tell me what's a happening, what the fuck, tell me what's a happening
What the fuck, tell me what's a happening, what the fuck, tell me what's a happening

Jim Ladd

Let me try to blow up your head a bit, let me try to blow up your head a bit
Let me try to blow up your head a bit, let me try to blow up your head a bit

Roger

Jimmy, oooh that is good
While you stimulate my ego
Stroke and fluff and pump my brow
You alone know I am brilliant
And Rog knows I need that now

Reg heads

What the fuck, tell me what's a happening, what the fuck, tell me what's a happening
What the fuck, tell me what's a happening, what the fuck, tell me what's a happening

Strange Thing Mystifying

(Nick and Roger ridicule each other in their own…particular…idiom.)

Nick

It seems to me a strange thing mystifying
That a ham like you can waste his time
On Jim Ladd, are you blind?
Yes I can understand that he massages
But to take him on tour, up on stage
These must be desperate times
It's not that I object to his profession
But it doesn't fit in well with your media bashing ways
Face the facts, his talent's nonexistent
But he's all you can afford since you took a cut in pay

Roger

Who are you, who, to brutalize him
Who are you, who, to circumcise him
Leave him, leave him, let him be now
Leave him 'cause he works for free now
Gilmour's a bastard
Doesn't know I'm God
That's why I've got Jim
He strokes my rod

I'm amazed that fans like you
Can be so shallow thick and slow
Buying crap like "Dogs of War"
To call it Floyd, how fucking low

Fans

No you're wrong, you're really wrong, no you're wrong, you're really wrong
If I'm drunk enough, it's a good song, if I'm high enough, it's a good song
Why won't you play that?
Why won't you play that?
Why won't you play that?
Why won't you play that?

Roger

I'm the Floyd!!!! I'm telling you!!!!!!

(Could someone give my career a push…please.)

Then We'll Be United

(Dave is feeling insecure about a Rogless Floyd)

Dave

We've been earning petty pence for far too long

Steve

Why let him upstage us?
Dave Gilmour let him be
All the old Floyd fans will see
He really doesn't matter

Dave

Roger is important; we've let him build his wall before
And even though he hates to tour
With his words we get fatter

Steve

He's just another Lennon/Dylan lyric wanna-be

Dave

He makes the registers ka-ching, the difference excites me
What about the punters?
If they hear the Waters sound
Do you think they'll stand around jeering and gaffauing?
What about the Floyd freaks?
We earn most when them we serve
Don't'cha think we should preserve
Something so rewarding?

Steve

They've got a Pink Floyd…they think so anyway
If we're what they want, why take their toy away?
We're a ruse

Dave

Put yourself in my place, I can hardly fill a side
Lyrics find my pen tongue tied, they ain't worth a quarter
What about Clint Eastwood, he could give our Rog a call
If we could outsell The Wall, we should not be divided

Steve

Then remind him of Floyd Council, but don't rely on subtlety
Flatter him or he'll break free

Dave

Then we'll be united?

Steve

Then we'll be united.

Everything's All Rog

Jim Ladd

Try not to get worried, try not to respond to
Poor sales that upset you, oh
Don't you know everything's all Rog, yes, everything's fine
And we want you to feel loved tonight
And tomorrow we'll give Dave a fight
If we try, we can buy more publicity with one Berlin night

(everything's all Rog, yes, everything's all Rog, yes)

Ego, I shall feed you, stroke you and appoint you
Better than John Lennon, oh
Then you'll feel everything's all Rog, yes, everything's fine
And it's cool that you can not eat
Any pudding if you don't eat meat
Close your mind, close your mind
Everybody else is nothing tonight

(everything's all Rog, yes, everything's all Rog, yes)

Nick

Roger, your fine concept brand new and pretentious
Could have been saved for the Floyd
Why has it been wasted?
We could have sold maybe three hundred million CD's or more
Dough boys who can't write well, fans who've been deceived
Matter more than your inflated head

Jim (to Nick)

Try not to get worried, try not to respond to
Egos that upset you, oh, don't you know
Everything's all Rog, yes, everything's fine
And we want him to feel loved tonight
'Cause tomorrow we'll give Dave a fight
If we try, we can buy more publicity with one Berlin night

(everything's all Rog, yes, everything's all Rog, yes)

Roger

Surely you're not saying
The market forces won't give me just one more shot
There will be greed always, pathetically ugly
Look at the cool cars you've got
Drink to my cool savvy, drool as I jab TV
Floyd is schlock and they're so sorry since I've gone

Jim

Peep and I shall serve you, calmly I'll appoint you
Best thing since Nick Gilder, oh
Then you'll feel everything's all Rog, yes, everything's fine
And a fool and his money part
Every time that a Floyd tour will start
Close your mind, close your mind
Everybody else is nothing tonight
Close your mind, close your mind and relax

(Everything's all Rog yes, Everything's all Rog yes)

This Roger Must Fry

(After Nick's unsuccessful attempt to sway Roger to rejoin the Floyd, Dave makes his pitch to a silent room of record company executives.)

Storm Thorgerson

Good David G, our agents wait for you
The record geeks and press are here for you

Dave

Ah gentlemen, you know why we are here
There's not much time and quite a problem here

Reg Heads

oh roger superstar oh roger superstar oh roger superstar oh roger superstar

Steve O'Rourke

Listening to that howling mob of Reg heads in the street
A trick or two with lyrics and the bastard feels conceit

Floyd Camp

He is pretentious!

Reg Heads

Roger Waters… Superstar

Floyd Camp

He is pretentious….

Glenn Povey

His band is in town right now, his stupid KAOS tour

Rick Wright

Bimbos, screens and gimmicks which we think you'll find a bore

Floyd Camp

He is pretentious!

Reg Heads

Roger Waters Superstar

Floyd Camp

He is pretentious…

Glenn Povey

Look David G., he's playing your old song

Rick Wright

Quick David G., go get the flaming gong

Dave

NO WAIT - We need a more profitable solution to our problem

Steve

What then to do about megalomania
Ultimate has-been, hero of fools

Rick

No dry ice, no airplanes, no neutered inflatables

Dave

One thing I'll say for him, he's got family jewels

Steve

We dare not leave him the brand name and gimmicks
We will need them for our stadium shows

Rick

Why should we worry, his famine increases
His tickets ain't selling, he's deep in the hole

Dave

I see revenues rising, we'll play stadiums with our surrogate band
If he doesn't expose us as sleazy and lame and a ludicrous sham
We're sleazy and lame, we're a ludicrous sham
A sham, a sham, a ludicrous sham
We're sleazy and lame, we're a ludicrous sham
A sham, a sham, a ludicrous, ludicrous, ludicrous sham

Rick

What then to do about this Roger media

Steve

How do we deal with a babbling dink

Rick

Where do you start with a prick who is bigger
Than Dan Quayle when Dan blabbed his college fund thing

Dave

FOOLS!!! You have no perception The sales we are gambling are frighteningly high
We must shush him completely
So like Syd before him, this Roger must fry
For the sake of our profits this Roger must fry
Must fry, must fry, this Roger must fry
For the sake of our profits this Roger must fry
Must fry, must fry, this Roger must, Roger must, Roger must fry

Whore Gilmour

(Roger's fans, the Reg heads, taunt Dave.)

Reg Heads

Whore Gilmour, Dave Gilmour, Gilmour you're a whore
Gilmour Dave you're a shameless whore
Hey DG, DG, yeah Lapse made money
But it blows and we think you're a whore

Dave (to Roger)

Tell your fan club to be quiet
I make crap and people buy it
This common trash
It makes me cash
Tell your fans I've got your songs
And I will play them all year long
I'll play them worse
And fill my purse

Reg Heads

Whore Gilmour, Dave Gilmour, Gilmour you're a whore
Gilmour Dave you're a shameless whore
Hey DG, DG, "Sorrow" was cheesy
And it blows and we think you're a whore

Roger (to Dave)

Why waste your breath singing all my songs?
You get royalties from our old records
Your over blown productions are completely boring
You make the Stones themselves look exciting

Reg Heads

Whore Gilmour, Dave Gilmour, Gilmour you're a whore
Gilmour Dave you're a shameless whore
Hey DG, DG, tossed up my cookies
When I saw the film for "Dogs of War" (Theme from "Dogs of War" blends in.)

Simone
(Roger's fans whip themselves into a frenzy.)

Reg heads

Rog you know I love you
Did you see I came?
I believe that you are God
Without you Floyd is lame

Rog you know I love you
Did you see I came?
I believe that you are God
Without you Floyd is lame

Roger I am with you
Let me stroke your ego
Roger I am on your side
Let me pump your ego

Fan club president

Rog what more do you need to convince you
That your sales will be easily as strong
As the filth recording on their houseboat
Who've deceived young Floyd fans for so long

Reg heads

Rog you know I love you
Did you see I came?
I believe that you are God
Without you Floyd is lame

Rog you know I love you
Did you see I came?
I believe that you are God
Without you Floyd is lame

Roger I am with you
Let me stroke your ego
Roger I am on your side
Let me pump your ego

Fan club president

There must be over fifty people
Waiting for a tour from you
Every one of fifty people
Would come without you paying them to
Keep them yelling their devotion
But add a touch of hate at Dave
You will gain greater media coverage
Your sinking sales will be saved
You'll make Dave cower at the lawyers
For vengeance and vengeance and vengeance
(Your fans are) All men

Poor Inflatables

Roger

Neither you Simone, nor the fifty people
Nor the agents, nor the press
Nor Nicky, nor the Floyd
Nor their hundred session players
Nor the doomed inflatables themselves
Understand my genius
Understand my brilliance
Understand at all
Understand I'm God

If you knew all that I knew, 'bout record label scum
Who fleece the youth, wool over your eyes
You believe their lies
They pretend their scruples are plenty, those record label scum
To sell the Fraud they only have to lie
They only have to lie

Executive's Dream

Sony music executive

I dreamed I met a bass guitarist
A most annoying man
He had that scowl you very barely stand
In exile from his band

I asked him for a deposition
His band mates for to slam
He blabbed a lot, I couldn't get a word
In edgewise with this turd

And next the room was full of merchandise crazed fans
They just ignored this man
They bought his sell out friends
And pissed him off again

Then I saw only a dozen
Buying of this man
So he retired, a pension from his fame
He grieves the Pink Floyd name

The Stadium

(Gilmour & company play at a stadium somewhere near you)

Concession stand merchants

Come on down for the price is high
Ticket sales and merchandise
Take your pick of the newest crap
Dig down deep and ignore the slap
Roll on out tour books and shirts
Step right up you pathetic jerks
Music's bland but if you are high
There is nothing you won't buy
Blow up boars and laser lights
You'll forget the music bites
After years of legal fights
Got your wallet in our sites

Roger (banging on wall outside the stadium)

Floyd concerts should be a house of prayer
And you're supposed to be worshipping me
Come out! Come out!!!!

(Fans inside looking over the wall - no pun intended - give Roger the raspberry.)

...............and I grieve for my
lyrics...................................

My contract's almost through
One album left to do
After all I sued for three years, seems like thirty, seems like thirty

(Rog heads into the studio to record his latest masterpiece)

Roger's session players

See my drums I can barely play
So many words I can barely say
I believe you can write a hit
Even if KAOS was shit
Come on Rog, I'm a Waters freak
But your videos are weak
Each song tries for the hall of fame
In the end, the whole album's lame

Won't you write a hit single Rog
Don't Floyd fans even know you Rog
Can't you fill an arena Rog
If this bombs we will quit you Rog

Roger

There's not enough of you, please crowd me
I'm still relevant, please push me
IT'S MY WALL!!!!!!!!!!

I Don't Know How To Sell Him

(After weeks of unprofitable shows, the rows of empty seats begin to frustrate Jim.)

Jim

Try not to get worried, try not to respond to
Poor sales that upset you, oh
Now you know everything's all Rog, yes, everything's fine

Roger

But I barely feel loved tonight
So tomorrow I'll call Dave to fight

Jim

Close your mind, close your mind
Everybody else is nothing tonight

I don't know how to sell him
His albums just aren't moving
I make change
Barely chump change
At these past gigs I've sold out myself
I've become Roger's elf

I'm thinking as I fake this
Cecile B. DeMille movie
He's a man
I'm just a fan
But I've questioned many men before
Like David Lee Roth, who said much more

Do I bring him down?
Will his fans flake out?
Should I be on tour?
Am I in or out?
Poor Roger Waters, Floyd we miss
You've lost all your clout

Don't you think we'd make more money
If we had the Pink Floyd name
I'm no bum, I'm on FM
And I'm so cool, my ratings rule
But now I'm in his show
Who cares - I know

Poor Roger Waters, Floyd we miss
You've lost all your clout

Yet if we made more money
I'd be rich, status heightened
I couldn't hope, just couldn't hope
I'll earn my bread, pack it away
And check out of his show
He scars me so
Want you to know
I'm not some schmoe.

Nick's Sellout/Bland For All Time

(Nick feels his first twinges of guilt for selling out Roger and for having his name associated with truly lame music.)

Nick

His sales will fall soon, this Waters cat you'll see
And playing Floyd songs isn't very hard for me
I love a healthy bank account, that much is true
I'll weigh as much as Dave Gilmour before we're through
It really doesn't matter if on tour I'm bored
So long as lots of fancy cars I can afford
Just don't say I'm
Bland for all time

Betrayal isn't so bad if you really score
Even if to Roger I must seem a whore
Pay offs like this come so rarely, oh so few
Playing stadiums the piles of cash just grew
It really doesn't matter if on tour I'm bored
So long as lots of fancy cars I can afford
Just don't say I'm
Bland for all time

Steve O' in your business you know scum and lies
Dave you lazy bum you used to improvise
We need extra profits, we need extra funds
We'll milk our noise pollution if fans are that dumb
It really doesn't matter if on tour I'm bored
So long as lots of fancy cars I can afford
Just don't say I'm
Bland for all time

Steve O'Rourke

Cut the grotesque scene, forget your abuses
We'll look more legit if you join us on tour

Dave

He's got Jim Ladd for his ego caressing
We've Gary Wallace, just don't look bored

Steve O'Rourke

Your help in this matter won't go unrewarded

Dave

The buckets of cash will flow pail after pail
You just need to know that this deal will blind-side him

Steve O'Rourke

Without the Pink Floyd name…

Dave (snickering)

His records will fail

Nick

I don't think this is funny

Dave

Oh that doesn't matter, 'least I don't think it should

Nick

I don't see this as funny

Steve O'Rourke

Well you might as well fake it, the money is good

Dave

Think of the times Roger treated us crummy
Credit disparity, tantrums on tour
You've noted he's bloated - around the ol' cranium
This isn't that funny, it's……..

Steve O'Rourke

Tee hee…

Dave

To settle the, settle the, settle the score.

Nick

On Thursday night we'll blind side and taunt him
Swipe all his crowds, and discard him summarily.

Fans

Just fine Nicky Don't be picky

The Last Concept

(Roger finds that he doesn't have as many fans as he thought.)

Fans

Look at all your words and concept albums
Being stolen by a greedy swine
(We) know that you are right
But Dave has more lights
And his reproductions suit us all just fine
Always hoped I'd be a Floyd apostle
Maybe Dave could fake it if he tried
Roger may retire and go live in hostels
But we'll all joke about him if he's fried

Roger

The end is just a little harder when brought about by fans.
How could Dave dare, I'll whine until I flood
How could Dave dare, his lyrics are so shoddy
The end
This is fake Floyd you buy
His words are shoddy not sweet
If you would remember me when you think of Pink

I must be mad thinking I'll be acknowledged
Yes I must be out of my head
Look at your blank check books
My name will earn nothing
You'll buy Dave's lame crap instead
One of you forgets me
One of you betrays me

Fans

Sure. Why not? So what's your point? Yeah. Roger who?

Roger

Ezrin will jump the fence in just a few hours
Over to Gilmour's camp - And that's not all I see
One of my old buddies, Regent street school buddy
Will leave to betray me

Nick

Cut out the ego trip
You know very well why

Roger

Why not take my songs too

Nick

No sweat, it's a done deal

Roger

Hurry, they're wetting………

Nick

If you knew why I screwed you

Roger

I don't care why you screwed me

Nick

To think I played with you
But now I don't need you

Roger

You moron!! You Mason!!

Nick

You want Floyd - then sue it
What if we just played 'till
We fucked your reputation
Rog you deserve it!

Roger

Scurry you fool, scurry and go
You'll lose your shirt with your overblown show
GO!!!!

Fans

Look at all your words and concept albums
Being stolen by a greedy swine
What was that you said, Bleeding Hearts instead?
If you don't mind empty seats then that's just fine
Always hoped I'd be a Floyd apostle
Maybe Dave could fake it if he tried
Roger may retire and go live in hostels
But we'll all joke about him if he's fried

Nick

You mad self centered man
Look where you brought us to
Our greed is in the spotlight
And all because of you
And the saddest cut of all
Someone had to clue you in
Your career is terminal
And I know you're cynical
The jaded never win
The jaded never win
You may hate it oh but face it now
The jaded never win

Roger

Get out Dave's waiting!
Get out, oh, Dave's waiting for you

Nick

Every time I look at you I don't understand
Why you had to drag yourself on out of our band
You won't sell your tickets with your Bleeding Heart Band
OH!

Fans

Look at all your words and concept albums
Being stolen by a greedy swine
What was that you said, Bleeding Hearts instead?
Your new music has a heart but not a spine
Always hoped I'd be a Floyd apostle
Maybe Dave could fake it if he lied
Roger may retire and go live in hostels
But we'll all joke about him when he's fried

I Only Want To Say

Roger

Will no one spot the fake with me?
Michael, Glenn, Jeff
Will none of you pay for me?
Michael, Glenn, Jeff

(Roger petitions Sony and the industry)

I only want to say
Honesty don't pay
Take this crap away from me
For I don't want to hear its brazen
Piglet irony, I'm short changed by money's lure
And Dave's half hearted

Then I was inspired
Now I'm half retired
Listen, surely I've promoted self-fixations
Sold for ten years, played for twenty
Could you ask as much from any other band?

But if I try
See the lawsuit through and yank the Floyd from David G
Let him hate me, he can't hurt me, veil his shit with me
I'd want to crow, I'd want to crow I'm Rog
I'd want to crow, I'd want to crow I'm Rog
Want them to see, want them to see I'm Rog
Want them to see, want them to see I'm Rog
Why should I fry?
Should I serve them notice that the new Floyd I abhor?
Should I say I'm pissed that I don't matter anymore?
I have to grow, I have to grow I'm bored
I have to grow, I have to grow I'm bored
Wright went to Zee, Wright went to Zee ignored
Wright went to Zee, Wright went to Zee ignored
If I fry what could I afford
If I fry what could I afford
I have to grow, I have to grow I'm bored
I have to grow, I have to grow I'm bored

WHY!!!!!! Should I fry?
O why?
Am I guaranteed that all my riches I'd not drain?
Will I lose my fan base or does gain begin with pain?
Show me why it's treason that I want the Floyd to die
Robert Plant had Now & Zen so I'll write Pink & I
All right! I'LL FRY!!!!!
Pink Floyd, goodbye.
See how I fry.

(album covers and promo photos from a pitifully unprofitable solo career flash onto the circular screen)

Then I was admired
Now myself, I've fired
After which I cried for three years, not so mighty
Why then do I care how fiendish the upstart is?
What his part is, I know what art is!
Rog, thy head is hard
Cast each jagged shard
I will raise a stink to heaven
Hate the Dave, you crossed your mate-me
Greedy, sneaky, filthy, snakey sow
I'm going to lose my mind

The Betrayal

Nick

Scary biz, his sales are weak, mine rule

Roger

Nicky, you've betrayed me and I'm pissed

Fans

What the fuck, tell me what's a happening?
What the fuck, tell me what's a happening?
Tell me what's happening?
What the fuck, tell me what's a happening?
What the fuck, tell me what's a happening?
What the fuck, tell me what's a happening?
What the fuck, tell me what's a happening?
Hang on Rog, we're gonna buy from you
Hang on Rog, we're gonna buy from you
Hang on Rog, we're gonna buy from you
Hang on Rog, we're gonna buy from you

Roger

Put away your coins
Don't you know that it's all over
It was nice but now it's gone
Why are you obsessed with music
Stick to football from now on

Media (Questioning Roger who just stares in contempt)

Tell me Rog how you feel tonight
Do you plan to give up the fight?
Did your label put on the brakes?
What do you think that the Pink Floyd makes?

Do you think that you may require
A downgrade to more cheap attire?
Now that you've lost the fucking trial
Wash your pride down with rising bile

Sell out Rog, go on VH1
Spill your guts it is so much fun
Slander Dave using VH1
Let us in on the smoking gun

Come on Rog this is just like you
Pull the veil from the old Floyd view
You know what the old Floyd fans feel
Gilmour's stone floats on breezy steel

Tell me Rog how you feel tonight
Do you plan to give up the fight?
Are you broke from poor concert takes?
What do you think of the Pink Floyd fakes?

Sell out Rog, go on VH1
Spill your guts it is so much fun
Slander Dave using VH1
Let us in on the smoking gun

Now he needs us, we have got him
Now he needs us, we have got him
Now he needs us, we have got him
Now he needs us, we have got him
Take him to Sony, Take him to Sony
Take him to Sony, Take him to Sony

Dave

Roger you must realize the empty rows you're playing to
You say you are Pink of Floyd in all your press, well is it true?

Roger

That's what I say, I say that I am

Steve

There you have it gentlemen
What more arrogance do you need?
Nicky thank you for the martyr
Roger's guile and we are greed

Media

Now he needs us, we have got him
Now he needs us, we have got him
Take him to Sony, Take him to Sony
Take him to Sony, Take him to Sony

Ezrin's Lapse

(Ezrin tries to go incognito to a Waters concert and is harassed by the fans.)

Fan #1

I think I've seen your name Bob
I remember
You write with that band
Which stripped away
Its sense of style and taste

Bob Ezrin

You've got the wrong man bong boy
I don't know him
And you didn't read the credits right
My time you're trying to waste

Fan #2

That's strange for I have heard you humming "Sorrow"
Once you wrote by his side and now you dare chide….

Bob

I tell you I would never ever diss him

Fan #3

I saw your name too
Now Gilmour & you….

Bob

I don't owe him!!!!!!

Jim

Bobby don't you know you've lost your head
Now you're in Gilmour's bed

Bob

I have to distance don't you see
Or else he might sue me

Jim

Just goes to show how low you'll stoop
I bet you wrote "shoop shoop"

Sony & Rog

(Roger is brought before Sony to answer for his poor sales.)

Sony Executive

Who's…this…from a broke up band
Cluttering up my office
He…is…not selling shit

Mariah Carey

Someone Rog Pink of the Floyd

Sony Executive

Oh so this is Waters Rog
I am really quite amused you look so small
I don't see your Wall
We all know you are annoyed
But are you Pink, Pink of the Floyd?

Roger

My words, not yours

Sony Executive

What…do…you mean by that
That will not sell records
You're…deep…in debt my friend
Someone Rog Pink of the Floyd

How can someone once first rate
Let his meat fall from his plate
An amazing thing, can't even sing
Since you can't sing harmony
Then you need not come to me
You're Harvest's waste
It's them you'll face

Fans

Whore Gilmour, Dave Gilmour, Gilmour you're a whore
Gilmour Dave, you're a shameless whore
Hey DG, DG please explain to me
How the Floyd is three when it was four?

Harvest's Song

(Roger must now answer to Harvest.)

Harvest Executive

Roger I am underwhelmed to meet you face to face
You've been making quite a stink about this Floyd malaise
Gripes and bickers, accusations pled
Now I understand you're Pink
At least that's what you've said

So you are the Rog, you're the great Waters Rog
Prove to me that you can write
Use one cliché that ain't trite
That's all you need do
Then I can exploit you
Come on Pink of the Floyd

Roger I just can't believe the shit they play around here
I need sarcastic wit and pessimistic jeer
Oh what a pity, if your well is dry
Still I'm sure that you can rouse the cynics if you try

So if you are the Rog, yes the great Waters Rog
Prove to me that you're still cool, make my new accountants drool
If you do that for me
In my pants I will pee
Come on Pink of the Floyd

I only ask things I'd ask any superstar
What have you done lately that can keep your nose so far
In the air, I am waiting, I'm a fair-weather fan
I'm dying to be shown that you can sell without that band

So if you are the Rog, yes the great Waters Rog
Fill this stadium with heads, you'll outsell the Grateful Dead
Or is something wrong?
Can't pull your fans from their bongs?
Come on Pink of the Floyd

Hey…aren't…you…sick of this Rog, Mr. wonderful Rog
You're sincere, you're not the Floyd
We don't care if they are frauds
Take him away, he's not selling today
Get out you Pink of the........
Get out!!!!
Get out you Pink of the Floyd
Get out you Pink of the Floyd
Get off of my label!!!!!!!

Could We Come On Tour Please

(Jim Ladd, regretting the unprofitable KAOS tour, petitions the other camp)

Jim

I've been living off you
Dying with KAOS, but it shouldn't be like this
Let's get on the Floyd tour, wouldn't that be great
Could we come on tour Dave?
I've not been that helpful so far
Now for the first time I think I've got a clue
This tour was a failure
Now we need some cash
Oh could we come on tour Dave?

Nick

I think we've heard your question
You've even stretched a bit too far to tie yourself to Rog
Before you look pathetic, you ought to shut your mouth
You can't come on tour Jim

Jim

I've been living to be seen
Dying to be seen in a big show such as this
Roger is eclectic, you are a cash cow
Could I come on tour please?

Nick

I think you need a joint now
You obviously need to smoke to medicate your foam
Please refrain from drooling, we don't need you or Rog
You can't come on tour Jim
You can't come on tour Jim

Jim (Walking away dejected)

I can't go on tour

Nick's Dearth

(Nick arrives at Wembley Stadium to watch sound check. He is now consumed by guilt.)

Nick

I've seen his concerts, at most one quarter full
With that moron Ladd and Clapton looked a fool
His tedious tripe and the concepts are lame
Hitch hiking bimbos, Roger where is your brain?
I think he thinks that his new crap is really good
I'd rip him off for more concepts if I could
What a jerk!!! What a git!!!
No one…likes that shit

Dave

Cut the depression, forget that old has-been
He lost the whole lawsuit, he has no recourse
We have the Floyd name, we'll rake in the big bucks
The fans will forget him, we'll play Earl's Court

Rick

Come on now Nicky, I need the tour profits
Cocaine is getting real pricey these days
My crap solo albums don't make enough money
For my eyes to take on that Barrettesque glaze

Nick

Rog, I know you can't pay me
And money has helped me decide what to do
Rog I sold out the Floyd name
And made a pathetic bitter martyr of you
I shall be dragged on a bogus world tour
I'll become Dave Gilmour's cheap two-bit whore
I'll play lame ass songs like "The Dogs of War"
I'll become Dave Gilmour's cheap two-bit
cheap two-bit
cheap two-bit whore

I'm selling out my best friend
Money's my motivation
We're a sham, we're just a sham
We're not the Floyd
We're just as lame as a third rate tribute band
We're dull and bland
His career is dead, will mine me next?
Would Dave dump, would he dump me too?
Would he blow off me? OH

(By this time, Dave and Rick have gotten bored with Nick's self pity act and have left the stadium. Dave, in an effort to save every penny, has the lights turned off.)

The stadium is darkness now
Oh Rog, I'm thick, I've been used
And you knew all the time
Rog I'll never know why you let Dave use me for his crime.
His foul, greedy crime.
You've embarrassed me.
(Nick is now hysterical)
Embarrassed me, embarrassed me.

Fans (outside stadium)

First recruit us, Then come loot us

(Rick comes back in, injects Nick with some happy drugs, and drags him off to a Caribbean vacation.)

Trial Before Sony

(Olympic Stadium, Montreal. Roger is returned to the scene of the 1977 spitting incident to have his fate determined by Sony. Gilmour, afraid of losing market share, enlists the help of the fans.)

Sony Executive

And so the Pinks are once again my guests
And why is this? Was Harvest unimpressed?

Gilmour

He's writing poems about two perfect breasts
He flaps his jaw, make him give it a rest
We need him neutralized. He's selling very few.
We need him neutralized. He's selling very few.

Sony Executive

Talk to me Waters Rog
You are not bought here
Ridiculed, forgotten by your own fan club
Do you have the first idea why you deserve it?
Listen Pink of the Floyd
Where is your Pinkdom?
Look at me should I sign you?

Roger

I have got no fans left in this world it's true, true, true

Fans

Pack it in, Waters Rog!

Roger

There may be a fan club for me somewhere if I only knew

Sony Executive

So you are Pink

Roger

It's true I say I am
I know it's true, so why don't I have fans?

Sony Executive

But what is truth?
Is truth worth paying for?
We both have truths
But we want money more

Fans

Neutralize him!!!

Sony Executive

What do you mean, you'd neutralize your Pink?

Fans

We have no Pink but Gilmour!

Sony Executive

He's done no wrong, 'cept maybe Pros & Cons

Fans

We have no Pink but Gilmour!
Neutralize Him!

Sony Executive

I see potential, I seek a profit
He's sold millions so why does he now bore you?
He's just misguided, thinks he's a genius
But perhaps he could be humbled or embarrassed.

Fans

Neutralize Him
Please don't sign him
Neutralize Him
Neutralize Him
Neutralize Him
Neutralize Him

Sony Executive

Count his album sales!

Sony Staff Accountant

One, two, five………..

Sony Executive

No, Three!

Sony Staff Accountant

Right! Three, four, five, six…………

Sony Executive

Skip a bit, brother.

Sony Staff Accountant

Thirty-eight, thirty-nine.

Sony Executive

Where are your sales Roger, that's what I want Roger, sell me.
You've got to churn out some tripe that's commercial, please sell me.
Why do you not speak when I can promote your band?
I can make folks buy it, even if it's totally bland!

Roger

You have nothing in your hands
Any power you have comes to you from MTV
The music biz is fickle, and you can't change it.

Sony Executive

You're a dick, Waters Rog
How can I sell you?

Fans

Sony neutralize him, neutralize him
Remember cash flow, you have a duty to sell the Floyd so neutralize him
Remember cash flow, you'll be promoted, product exported, neutralize him
Remember cash flow, you have a duty to sell the Floyd so neutralize him
Remember cash flow, you'll be promoted, product exported, neutralize him

Sony Executive

Don't let me stop your great self-deception
Fry if you want to you penniless pauper
I wash my hands of your bogus mission
Fry if you want to you pitiful artist

Stupid Star

((Roger sits in Sony's main office waiting to be dropped from the label. Nick speaks to him on speaker phone from the Caribbean.)

Voice of Nick

Oh, every time I think of you I don't understand
Why you had to yank yourself on out of our band
Soon you saw that Floyd control was out of your hands
Now why'd you use the press to take our fight to the fans
If you toured today you couldn't fill a train station
Meanwhile Floyd has grossed so much we're off on a vacation

Don't you get me wrong, don't you get me wrong
Don't you get me wrong, don't you get me wrong
Only want to know, only want to know
Only want to know, I only want to know

Dave & Nick's backup singers (including Doreen & Katie who went where the money is better)

Waters Rog, Waters Rog
Maybe bad sales make a good tax dodge
Waters Rog, Waters Rog
Maybe bad sales make a good tax dodge
Waters Rog superstar
Your fans believe what you think you are
Waters Rog superstar
Your fans believe what you think you are

Voice of Nick

Tell me what you think about your friends playing pop
Is it worth a lawsuit - could you get them to stop?
Dylan went to Jesus like a twinkling star
Could John Lennon compensate for his Yoko's vocal scar?
Did you mean to write like that, or are you a faker?
Did you think Amused to Death would be a record breaker?

Boy you sure were wrong. Boy you sure were wrong.
Don't you get me wrong, but you sure were wrong.
Only want to know, only want to know
Only want to know, I only want to know

Dave & Nick's backup singers

Waters Rog, Waters Rog
Maybe bad sales make a good tax dodge
Waters Rog, Waters Rog
Maybe bad sales make a good tax dodge
Waters Rog superstar
Your fans believe what you think you are
Waters Rog superstar
Your fans believe what you think you are

The Crux Fixation

(Roger is laughed out of Sony's world headquarters by secretaries & custodial staff.)

Roger

I forgive them, they don't know what they're doing…
Where is my agent? WHO is my agent????
My fans, my fans, why have you forgotten me?
It's Thursday and…
I am finished…
Mad bugger, onto your wall, I bang...my heart.